Being more transparent.


For a long time I've been insecure about my Looks but this knuckle head tells me I'm beautiful Every Day! Haha like he has to make sure I don't forget. The Truth was I had to see myself as beautiful before I'd ever believe him. Most of my life I've been told that I'm to big, I have a small head(lol better than a big ole water head), I look and dress like a boy, My hair nappy, hell in Middle school in the middle of English class I remember a boy looking me in the face and just flat out say "you Ugly" every one in the class just started to laugh and I sat there like I didn't hear him but I heard him and I went home and cried all night but not one of those kids saw a tear! Not one person who set out to make me feel less than I was never got the satisfaction of breaking me down but that didn't mean it took its tole at home behind closed doors I'd look in the mirror and just look, I'd stay there for hours just looking, then I told myself if you don't like what you see change it and its not for anyone else but you. I started walking a little bit, and every day I'd go just a bit more. Then I'd walk for a set amount of time and try to go farther than I did the day before. I started to go to Weight management and learned what does and what doesn't go on my plate! I'm not shamed to say at 32 I had the gastric bypass, I lost around 100 pounds I was really happy with myself I was really pleased with my progress, so why would I let outside influence back in my head you say well I'm a dummy that's why now instead of being to big I was to small, "don't loose any more", "you starting to look sick" on and on. See that was the point in my life Where I cared what people thought of me so like an insecure fool I once again set out to make others happy and I slowed down my routine and I started to pick up weight a good thing right..... WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! those SAME Assholes started with "so you just wanna be a fat ass again" WHAT your the same fool who told me I was to small, ( picked up 50lbs) so I was not happy with myself. Now I know what you might be thinking but let me be clear no one did this to me but ME I chose to loose and Gain the weight so big or little I'm not going to make others happy. Make your self happy that is what it took me Years to figure out. I got back on track changed my eating, started walking again, started journaling, treating myself doing things I like to do, Reading more started to get to know me..the real me and you know what I really like ME I look in the mirror now and absolutely LOVE what I see MY hair, MY eyes, My smile, My Big feet and ears!!!, ALL OF ME so when I met my Husband to be (didn't know/think HE would be my Husband) I have to say I was defiantly in a good place kind of ( there will always be areas where I can be better but its ok). He told me I was Beautiful at first I was like what is he after but then I told myself "you are beautiful say thank you" and the rest is history. I make my self look and feel beautiful every day and if there is a day when I just don't feel it well you know what I don't leave the mirror till I do!!! Depression is real people and it is not easy but every day we get a chance at trying to make it better some days will be better than others but don't give up you are not alone if need be you can talk to me every day if that's what it takes but promise me this you will at least try for no one else do it for you don't give up the beauty you seek is there you just have to keep looking

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